Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Closure


I’m back!  I made it!  I apologize for the long break.  We’ve had quite a mad last couple of weeks.  I hope that you were able to catch some of the photos I posted from my trip to New York to Instagram.  I took about a hundred but just haven’t had time to upload just yet.

You may remember me talking about my grandfather being sick, which ultimately resulted in him passing away last Thursday.  A major loss for our family.  I left New York that morning knowing that when they removed him from the ventilator he wasn’t expected to make it the rest of the day.  I turned my phone off on the flight to Atlanta, and turned my phone back on to find he passed away en route.  His kids were with him as he passed and I can think of nothing sweeter.

Grief is such a foreign thing to me.  I’ve had a few friends pass away over the years, but none were particularly close to me.  This.. was such a shock to my system.  Immediately though I was just so happy for him.  I wept and wept and at the same time just wanted to burst because he’s in heaven!  What could be better?  He’s restored… not broken, he’s not struggling to breathe, there’s no sickness, there’s no pain.

We’ve spent the last 4 days with family.  We’ve cried together, shared memories, thoughts, hugs, and it’s been good.  I’ve always been one to feel like there has to be conversation.  If conversation starts to lag I babble in an effort to avoid “awkward” silence.  Not this time though.  It was the first time that I just knew that no words were needed.  Company was needed.  Sometimes that’s the most comforting thing.  Just someone to sit in silence with.

Before my grandfather’s health really began to fail, I went to visit him in the hospital.  He was a man of few words.  He wasn’t going to talk just for the sake of talking.  That day it was just he and I.  He was watching the practice rounds for the Daytona 500, and we just sat in silence watching the T.V.  It’s a day I will treasure.  Just being there to keep him company.  The other being the Saturday before our trip to New York.  The last time I saw him alive.  I was able to sit with him for an hour, again not talking, but just being.  I watched the monitors, I prayed here and there, but mostly just tried to soak up that moment.  When I left, I told him I loved him and kissed his head.

When my father contacted me to let me know they would be removing my grandfather’s ventilator, I had peace in my heart.  Though I didn’t know that the previous Saturday was my good-bye to my grandfather, it was enough for me.  I preferred it that way.  Not leaving him in tears….just a see you later.

Today the tears are still just under the surface, but it’s not quite as hard to contain my emotion.  I assume it will gradually get easier and easier.  I don’t feel quite as sad today as I have the last few days.  I’m mostly just thankful.  I’m thankful for the life of my grandfather… for the man he was.  I’m thankful for the memories I have of him.  I’m thankful for the playful hugs he gave me as a child.  I’m thankful that any time I see Doublemint gum I will be reminded of him.  I’m thankful for the legacy he has left behind.  I’m thankful that things are well with him……just thankful.

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